What does and does not scare me

What does scare me:

• Needles. All of them—I do best with blood draws, worst with IVs. No idea about some of the more unusual procedures that lie ahead of me.
• Not knowing what’s going on. I felt so much better last Friday as I started getting some answers. Truly, whatever the news was, just knowing made such a difference. As I continue to get more test results and the diagnosis gets refined or confirming, knowing will help. I am in control that way, and it’s a very healthy thing.
• Melanoma. Remember, I’ve been diagnosed now with two primary types of cancer. Melanoma scares the shit out of me. It’s silent, it moves quickly and if it’s not caught early, you’re toast. The dying part doesn’t bother me but dying the way my college mentor did (he too had melanoma and it recurred in his brain) does scare me. It was just an awful, awful death.

What does not scare me:

• Dying. I’d rather not go in excruciating pain but dying itself holds no fear for me. Not sure if that’s true for everyone who attempted suicide as I did but take me at my word: death isn’t the scary thing here.
• This specific cancer. Oh it’s real and I have it but this kind doesn’t strike fear in me. Not like melanoma does.

What makes me sad/mad:
I spent months healing, recovering and rehabbing from my fractured pelvis last year. Now I’m looking at probably a couple of months without being able to work out and that frustrates the ever-loving snot out of me. I like working out, I like being strong, I like running on so many levels and once again I won’t have that outlet.

Finally, I've disclosed to my work peers and my team. One of my peers left me a small gift yesterday at work, she said she was adding to my Care Bear team. I posted it as my profile picture on Facebook yesterday and it's been really nice to see those who know about this cancer and what I'm calling the care team click a heart.