Well hello

So hello. No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth although I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I had.

This kind of hiatus strikes me every year around late summer and early fall. Normally I return after a couple of weeks. This time it’s been a couple of months.

During these times, I tend to question why I continue to write blog posts that are rarely read, and almost never commented on.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no ambition to be some wildly popular blogger whose every post generates a ton of comments. But getting next to no comments, even from a couple of family members who tell me they read my blog, yet never comment--well that’s like talking into an empty room with sound deadening properties. What’s the point? Or to paraphrase the cliche, if a blog post generates no interactions, did it even get posted?

Adding to that, Mary’s death was quickly followed by my gym closing for good. This was the gym I had just found and where I felt so comfortable and as though I would be able to achieve my fitness goals. The owners are fairly young and decided to retire early. I can’t blame them for that, not at all. But I was devastated, more than I thought I would be or even possibly should be, so much so that I cried at that loss.

And then all the losses, especially since 2017, just overwhelmed me. 

I am told all the time how strong I am, how they admire me, etc. etc. etc. Well nuts to that. 

I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m mourning what for sure is gone (like my music career from damage to my right thumb that has never resolved even after nearly 30 years), or the sense of where my potential health issues might be (which never not once included melanoma or breast cancer or osteoporosis or this fucking Meniere’s Disease--oh no, I anticipated and who knows may still get a blood cancer given that my mother has leukemia, her sister has multiple myeloma and my aunt’s identical twin sister died of acute leukemia at age 7--THAT’S what I expected).

And yes, I’m doing all the things to regenerate my joy, my contentment, my sense of peace. I write down things I’m grateful for; the journal I’m using has three spots and if I have three things, then great. But if it’s a day where there’s one or maybe even none, I’m not putting something down just to fill the line. I’m keeping it real.

Right at the most bleak time, my parish held a healing mass. I felt like I got thrown a lifeline and reader (if you’re there LOL), I went. I find the liturgy to be so comforting. The words themselves aren’t holy, but the intent is and the relief I felt at being anointed and then prayed for comforted me.

The two areas I continue to struggle with are these:

• Can I successfully train and run just one marathon? Can my body handle the load (because the mental part is not a problem) without more bones breaking?
• Meniere’s Disease. This has been a terrible few months for me, with severe vertigo pretty much every week which means I can’t walk, heck I can’t even stand up, and I throw up violently for hours (no exaggeration). In fact, I write in my gratitude list when I have just minor vertigo or go a full week without throwing up. 

Last week, I saw my regular ENT again, and asked for the referral he’s offered in the past for a more specialized ENT. I will see that doctor on November 8. In the meantime, my regular ENT prescribed Valium and a drug to stop me from throwing up. I am very, very sparing with that Valium as while I stay conscious I’m not at my sharpest. But when the world starts gyrating and spinning, you better believe I’ve taken it. I hope with all my heart this new doctor has a different solution as I really do not want to be on something like Valium. For now, though, it sure beats puking for hours while the world heaves and spins.

I'll leave you with a song that I have always loved, one that's brought me much comfort over the years.

It's still not a banana

But it probably is Meniere’s disease. Which isn’t really a disease, any more than the reactive airway disease I have is a disease. (I don't have asthma, pinky promise.)

Way back in 2014, I got my ears thoroughly checked out by both an ENT and an audiologist. I had some mild low frequency hearing loss, also fullness in the ears but I hadn’t yet had any vertigo or much tinnitus. I mean, let’s face it—as I’ve said elsewhere, I was a military musician for years and you cannot perform the 1812 Overture with real howitzers and not have some tinnitus. But it wasn’t bad, not yet anyway.

About a year later, I was back with the same issues: very full ears that actually aren’t full but sure feel that way, very mild tinnitus and increased lower frequency hearing loss. At that same visit, my ENT uncovered some pretty severe sinus infection issues I’d had for years; I ended up having sinus surgery which helped so much. And I also ended up with a hearing aid—I posted then that I gasped when I heard in stereo again, it had been so long.

But less than a year later my hearing resolved, which I did not expect. That’s when Meniere’s was first suggested and I pushed back hard. I felt like that was a BS diagnosis, and that people who are diagnosed with that tend to get slotted into the crazy, crackpot, difficult patient. No thanks.

I don’t remember exactly when I had the episodes of vertigo (probably because I don’t want to remember) but they were brutal. The world tilted and rotated; I couldn’t walk but had to crawl to the bathroom to puke my guts out for a couple of hours. That happened oh maybe three or four times and then vanished. (Yes, another Meniere’s symptom which I didn’t want to acknowledge.)

In the last six months, my hearing in my left ear has deteriorated a lot, the pressure in both ears is immense and the tinnitus in my left ear is more like standing right next to a Boing 767 engine roaring along on an international flight. It’s loud and it hurts. 

Then this last Saturday, I had an absolutely brutal episode of vertigo, complete with throwing up for several hours. I still feel the vertigo lingering at the edges but God willing, I’m not at the fall down and need to puke stage.

But that got me off my butt and I called my audiologist again, who said oh hey you have to see the ENT first. But he’s just going to send me to you! Yes, but you have to go to him first. And in a nice piece of luck, he had a cancelation the very next morning, which was yesterday. 

And yes, my hearing has deteriorated again. My audiologist reprogrammed my hearing aid for me on the spot, so now I’m hearing in stereo again. The ENT was great, did a really thorough review of my records with him and discussed everything in detail. Since I’m now presenting with all four symptoms, it’s pretty much a certainty that this is Meniere’s. He suggested considering a brain MRI since it’s been a few years (how sad is that that I’ve had more than one?) but doesn’t expect that will show anything. I don’t either but I agreed to get one because I also said I didn’t have melanoma, argued with my orthopedist that my pelvis was not fractured and didn’t really believe my oncologist that I had breast cancer.

So. Clearly I had better rely on my medical partners rather than my own opinion.

Here's my results from 2015 (dots show from 2014, the lines were from that day's test):

And from yesterday (dots are from 2018, the lines are from yesterday):

The right ear (which is weirdly on the left) now shows some typical high frequency hearing loss which generally happens to us all. It's the reverse slope hearing loss in the left ear that's the stumper.

The MRI is scheduled for January 28 so more to come.