Teepee, wigman--two tents (too tense). That's me these days.
You know how it is when you go to the doctor for a well visit, you run in, get your tests or exam and leave. And you never think or expect something might be wrong. That's how I've been all my life. I get the exams, even the icky ones, on schedule, I floss my teeth, brush my teeth twice a day, see my dentist twice a year etc. etc. etc.
For me, it wasn't the breast cancer that changed this mindset for me, it was when I was diagnosed with melanoma in August, 2017.
The only reason I was so faithful about getting my skin checked every year was because a much loved mentor in college died from melanoma, and it wasn't a good death. Because of how he died, I've always feared melanoma even though on the face of it, I have very few risk factors. I had dark hair (color it now), dark eyes, I don't burn easily, I didn't get many burns as a kid and I never really got into tanning beds (I found them boring). So I was gobsmacked to have a melanoma on my back. My margins were clear, which is good. But of course I'm on the six month follow up plan, originally for five years and now my dermatologist wants me to continue for well I don't know how long. I'm a fan of that even though I get very nervous for those checks or when it seems a mole has changed.
Flash forward to May 2018, and I fractured my pelvis, which I also could not comprehend. In fact I told the orthopedist she was wrong when she called to tell me the news. But I had, and I'd done it from over training. And then the DEXA scan showed osteoporosis. Boy did that put me in a tailspin.
That may sound silly, but hear me out. We all have mental images of who and what we are, and mine's all about being strong RAWR I can do things myself. Only apparently I can break my bone without falling or being in an accident. Not the kind of RAWR I want at all.
So then in 2019 when events moved super fast from 3D mammo to come back please to diagnostic mammo plus ultrasound to biopsy. I remember lying on my side while she got things ready to do the biopsy and she said something about 80% of these biopsies are benign and I said yup, I'm sure it's nothing. But then again, I thought the same thing about the melanoma and the fractured pelvis so I'd better get this checked. Sure enough, boom. Breast cancer.
Oh but wait, there's more. Last fall I had a lump removed from my arm that turned out to be an atypical leiomyoma, which is associated with kidney cancer (yes, atypical leiomyomas are usually found inside the body and for women, they're often uterine fibroids but not me, I'm a snowflake). And of course the follow up kidney scan did find a couple of dinky tumors on my right kidney. So there's another thing for the regular follow up list.
While I'm not physically fragile, emotionally I feel tattered around the edges and dislike living with the idea or fear of something coming back. That is such an unrecognized cost of breast cancer and I'm not entirely sure how to navigate through it.
I don't feel so RAWR these days. Next week I'm scheduled for my first set of post-cancer scans. In my case, I'll have an ultrasound on the left breast as it's far too painful still for a mammogram. I have a lot of scar tissue, and frankly it hurts all the time. I'll have a diagnostic mammogram on my right breast.
Now put a big helping of COVID 19 on top of all of that, add in a global economic meltdown and rampant job loss, and you bet I'm an anxious bundle of tension. I'm so incredibly glad I run, otherwise I would probably be a hot mess.
You know how it is when you go to the doctor for a well visit, you run in, get your tests or exam and leave. And you never think or expect something might be wrong. That's how I've been all my life. I get the exams, even the icky ones, on schedule, I floss my teeth, brush my teeth twice a day, see my dentist twice a year etc. etc. etc.
For me, it wasn't the breast cancer that changed this mindset for me, it was when I was diagnosed with melanoma in August, 2017.
The only reason I was so faithful about getting my skin checked every year was because a much loved mentor in college died from melanoma, and it wasn't a good death. Because of how he died, I've always feared melanoma even though on the face of it, I have very few risk factors. I had dark hair (color it now), dark eyes, I don't burn easily, I didn't get many burns as a kid and I never really got into tanning beds (I found them boring). So I was gobsmacked to have a melanoma on my back. My margins were clear, which is good. But of course I'm on the six month follow up plan, originally for five years and now my dermatologist wants me to continue for well I don't know how long. I'm a fan of that even though I get very nervous for those checks or when it seems a mole has changed.
Flash forward to May 2018, and I fractured my pelvis, which I also could not comprehend. In fact I told the orthopedist she was wrong when she called to tell me the news. But I had, and I'd done it from over training. And then the DEXA scan showed osteoporosis. Boy did that put me in a tailspin.
That may sound silly, but hear me out. We all have mental images of who and what we are, and mine's all about being strong RAWR I can do things myself. Only apparently I can break my bone without falling or being in an accident. Not the kind of RAWR I want at all.
So then in 2019 when events moved super fast from 3D mammo to come back please to diagnostic mammo plus ultrasound to biopsy. I remember lying on my side while she got things ready to do the biopsy and she said something about 80% of these biopsies are benign and I said yup, I'm sure it's nothing. But then again, I thought the same thing about the melanoma and the fractured pelvis so I'd better get this checked. Sure enough, boom. Breast cancer.
Oh but wait, there's more. Last fall I had a lump removed from my arm that turned out to be an atypical leiomyoma, which is associated with kidney cancer (yes, atypical leiomyomas are usually found inside the body and for women, they're often uterine fibroids but not me, I'm a snowflake). And of course the follow up kidney scan did find a couple of dinky tumors on my right kidney. So there's another thing for the regular follow up list.
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| Sign on a neighbor's house |
I don't feel so RAWR these days. Next week I'm scheduled for my first set of post-cancer scans. In my case, I'll have an ultrasound on the left breast as it's far too painful still for a mammogram. I have a lot of scar tissue, and frankly it hurts all the time. I'll have a diagnostic mammogram on my right breast.
Now put a big helping of COVID 19 on top of all of that, add in a global economic meltdown and rampant job loss, and you bet I'm an anxious bundle of tension. I'm so incredibly glad I run, otherwise I would probably be a hot mess.
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