The pressures I feel regarding what I’d do should Kent land a job elsewhere are not from him, they are primarily self-imposed. It’s all wrapped up in how I think a supportive wife would act etc, and also includes societal pressure. I do believe that women are socialized to make those sacrifices, and it’s sort of considered run of the mill when we do just that.
However, while we are socialized to build consensus, make compromises and so on, men face their own socialization issues. Kent’s a regular reader of my blog, and yesterday after saying the obvious, that he is not angling for us to move, he mentioned that he struggles with the pressure of the man being the bread winner.
If I recall correctly, this is the first time in his adult life where he won’t be able to support himself. In the 12 years I’ve known him, he was laid off once, but was called back after three weeks. And in his first marriage, he was the breadwinner by a large margin. On July 1, he won’t be earning money, although he will continue to receive a paltry unemployment check that doesn’t even cover the mortgage. So in addition to wrestling with the same issues I did while unemployed (because it’s a hell of a self-esteem wrecker), he’s also confronting the realization that right now he is not the breadwinner.
I know we aren’t the only couple to face issues like that—some of you are facing doozies of your own. I’ll take any hints you have on strategies that have helped you during these times.
6 comments:
Uhhh...I'm pretty sure you mean laid OFF once.
Oops, guess I better fix that one.
I wish I had encouraging words for you. The truth is you both are MY inspiration and have taught me so much about marriage, careers and money.
I've been hoping someone would have some good advice. What I live by is when in doubt, put the marriage first.
I suppose on one level it's kind of a sanctimonious cliche, but I'll say it anyway: you're living your life, not society's. Cliche or not, it's still true.
I'm in a similar situation regarding my own baggage about not working right now. I voluntarily quit a career on Wall Street nearly two years ago, after a 12 year career where I outearned my wife substantially.
But my wife successfully negotiated with her employer an arrangement where she could take 3 months off per year. This was going to open up a great opportunity for us to do some of the long-term travel we'd been dreaming about.... so I quit my job and essentially said goodbye to my career for the time being.
The irony is, I still have serious issues about not being a breadwinner, even though we are not hard up for money, and in any case, I consider myself more or less retired now anyway (although at some point I intend to return to work, I'm just not sure where, when or how).
I guess it just goes to show you how powerful social conditioning can be. Even when it's you've set a specific goal to leave the labor force, it can still be a struggle.
Dan
Casual Kitchen
My life is driven by a constant "sense of urgency" and my husband is WAY more laid back. He lived on Huntington Beach in CA for a few years, if that defines him better. When he was downsized after 20 years, I kept all the urgency to myself and immersed myself in my business. It's a miracle, but not once did I waiver. Although we had severance pay for a year, his self-esteem was devastated by the year long search in a down tech market. I cannot believe I was so supportive, and am thankful to have used those inner resources.
Since I believe you have this covered, the one thing I remember the headhunter saying is "get a job, any job" so there would not be an empty spot on the resume. How best to do that? Possibly something that is a passion or hobby. It could be volunteer work.
Will this help the downsized husband? Not sure, but in the case of serious volunteer work, it could make a huge difference in someone's life and that has to come with good karma.
p.s. Word from our friends on the west coast is that tech biz is on the upswing and manufacturing may be lagging behind orders. If we can be of any help, we are well connected at the vp and managerial level out there.
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