I posted a status update on Facebook regarding Kent’s job status—it’s looking quite grim, although he hasn’t yet received the “official” word. Add to that my two years of unemployment and our recent flood, and I think it’s clear why I said I was contemplating changing my name to Job.
But I was bothered by some of the comments my status received, the ones that were over-the-top positive thinking clichés. I don’t understand why people think offering clichés and platitudes would help someone who’s gotten bad news. I realize negative emotions and negative responses can be awkward to hear or see, but the reality is humans experience a wide range of emotions and some aren’t pleasant.
Of course Kent and I know of others who are in similarly dire if not worse situations. That doesn’t ease our situation. After all, pain isn’t graded, and this is our crisis right now. We are still reeling, and may be for a while.
I did get one completely fantastic comment: By the way, speaking as another one of the 10% families, you're allowed to have moments of wallowing in Job even as we all keep telling you to think positive. If you don't balance the two, you will go mad.
She is right and more than that, her words comforted me. She acknowledged the awfulness of our situation, and she didn’t tell me I would feel better tomorrow or even that everything will be OK. The sad reality is, we may not be OK. We’ll bust our butts to avoid that outcome, but the possibility is there.
So on to the Elizabethology bit. If you have friends who share bad news with you, don’t offer useless clichés. Just acknowledge the situation. Sympathize with them, and let them vent. Swallow the platitudes, or if you lack that discipline, at least write them down to be shared much later. Hopefully you will come to your senses before then, and delete the letter.
4 comments:
"pain isn't graded." Another good turn of phrase in the Elizabethology guide.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. You are having a very rough period right now, that's for sure.
You are so good at the planning, analyzing and solution-finding that I know you'll face this challenge with less self-destrution and depression than many other people. With that in mind, I agree you need to give yourself permission to have a tantrum or two or more. I wish I had the money to fly you out here for a night at The Drop, too much wine, and even a few of those super strong/yummy red wine martinis for Kent. I'd drive you home and tuck you in.
So when you need an extra long run or to blare some NIN, I say go for it. I know for you that is a needed release and you'll be back to problem-solving in good time.
I love you both dearly.
My favorite platitude, by the by: don't worry. No matter ow awful life gets, you will never again have to repeat eighth grade.
I just wrote a long comment that may not have had any platitudes but I erased it anyway when I re-read your post.
I hereby acknowledge, sympathize (been there) and say "go ahead and vent."
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