Friday, January 16, 2015

The Dating Game

My friend has dipped her toe into the world of online dating, and from the sound of things that world is as interesting as it was 15+ years ago.

I have a different friend who watched me navigate all those online dating pitfalls and always swore she was going to write a screen play based on my loser dating life. So for your amusement, I offer up a couple of examples:

  • The man who had a belt buckle as big as his face. I am only slightly exaggerating. He seemed really nice but the sum total of what we had in common was both being human beings living in the Kansas City metro.
  • The law professor who drooled. No really, he did. I’m sure you’ve met people like that, who sort of make too much saliva so they always look as though they were about to drool? Yeah, that was him. Plus he was so painfully nervous and dressed in clothes fit for the 80s (this was nearly 2000). I had made a resolution to stay more open minded so despite my misgivings, I agreed to meet him for drinks. He showed up in a silly little Geo Metro Tracker, wearing 80s jeans and a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. He had braces, too. I just couldn’t even. The kicker was him telling me how much he admired my self confidence, and he was so nervous in his own skin that it was clear he was looking for someone else to prop him up. Not it.
  • Then there was the man whose name escapes me. Gorgeous, totally gorgeous but he hadn’t yet been divorced a year according to his profile. You should know that I strongly believe that people are insane for the first 12 months after the divorce is final so I wouldn’t date anyone in that crazy pants time of life. But again, I was trying to be less of a naysayer so I agreed to meet him too. In casual conversation, I asked him when he’d gotten divorced. “Oh . . .” he said, “it’s not final yet.” Hmmm. So how long till it’s final? “Well we haven’t filed just yet.” Uh OK. When did you separate? “Uh I haven’t moved out yet.” Ah OK—you mean you are still married! Got it and buh bye!
  • But the worst, the one that was just absolutely jaw-dropping horrible was the man who decided that because I liked a band he liked (Stabbing Westward if you must know), we had to be soul mates destined to be together forever—he brought his five year old daughter to our first meeting at, I believe, an iHop. I was absolutely livid that he brought her, that was so completely inappropriate in so many ways. And the kicker was that he was surprised I had a problem with it. 

There are other stories, but hey my kids sometimes read this blog (and my mom too), so that’s all I’m putting out here on the world wide web. But that’s probably enough for you to get a sense of the kind of movie my friend would write—and of course she knows Kent and she’s part of that story too, so she’s already got the Hollywood ending that really happened.