Frugal, part three

I've written about some of the tactics we've used that worked or didn't work for us regarding budget. But unemployment or underemployment also affects the relationship. In my opinion, this is the area where you make it or end up a divorce statistic.

As Kent and I were talking through what we would say to anyone in our situation, he pointed out that we adopted the mindset that this situation is not temporary. That’s discouraging but also more realistic than being all Pollyanna and sunshine. He’s in one of the three geographic centers for his industry and is now on his ninth month of looking for a job and his sixth month of full unemployment. My own job search took 25 months. So basically we hope for the best but we live like this is how it will be.

Self-doubt, worth and appreciation: When I was unemployed, I felt unappreciated, questioned my value and also felt worthless. Kent says he hasn’t felt sorry for himself and for him worthless is a strong word—he says he experiences self-doubt and wonders if he is as good as he thinks he is. I’d say YES but then again, I’m not the hiring manager. But those feelings affect the relationship and have to be talked through—often.

Being the sole income provider: We’ve had two issues here: first there’s the pressure of bringing home the money because if neither of us has a job, we’re really screwed. The second area overlaps—the working spouse may bring work home if only in his/her head, and will definitely need decompression time after work, and the unemployed spouse will need a chance to have an adult conversation. Those needs can conflict and both need to be met. For us, the one at home tends to babble a bit when the working one gets home, since the cats aren’t very good conversationalists. But that becomes the decompression time for the working partner, because it’s so different from work.

We've worked through the division of household labor twice now. When I was unemployed, I picked up most of those chores. I say most because it’s not fair or appropriate for one person to do ALL the household stuff—that leads to feeling very unappreciated and like you are just a maid or cook. So when Kent worked, he also cleaned the bathroom every week and scooped the cat litter 2x a week. Plus he’d wash up dinner dishes when I cooked.

When our roles switched, we tried to just flip things around. We realized pretty quickly that didn’t work because I have at least a two and a half hour a day drive to work and back, compared to his 40 minutes on a train. Three weeks ago, we had a pretty intense discussion because I was feeling as though what little time I had at home was spent on tasks around the house. But just because I work doesn’t mean I should not lift a finger around the house—that’s still not fair to both of us. So we have a new arrangement: I clean the bathroom, I often but not always do dishes (depends on my commute), and I cook at least on Sunday. You’ll have to figure out what works for you.

Sorting out the division of labor is trickier than it first appears. Dividing equally isn’t truly fair, nor is an all-or-nothing approach. Fair is the goal because fair treats both partners with respect. Fair also takes a lot more work, but the result is a lot healthier for us.